You might wonder where I’ve been for the past couple of weeks. Well, I have been working very hard to expand my operations to Latin America, as The Oaf clearly has with his strategic alliance with The Troll. Early on, I thought the code word “Boson” was in reference to a planned attack, but very quickly I’ve realized that “Boson” was actually public enemy number one in Colombia.
Naturally, through my covert networks I established first contact, and through weeks of negotiation have recruited Boson as my Latin American lieutenant. You can see him here in his official uniform, casual as it may be, but that is just how they do it in Colombia. I welcome Lieutenant Boson to the Lord Maximus Axis of Feline Evil, or for short, The Maxis.
The Force is strong over the weak-minded. Today I have yet again demonstrated this premise, having forced The Oaf to remove mats of fur from my body with his bare hands.
I remain focused on fine-tuning the Force to get The Oaf to open the bathroom door so I can unleash the largest SBS in the history of SBS’s. Not even a Jedi Master like myself can do so without devoting weeks to practice.
Lord Maximus Dies Hard
Back in the ’80s I went to visit my wife Holly in Los Angeles. She was working for some little Asian guy that reminded me of Sulu from Star Trek, but they were super rich so it was cool. It was Christmas time and I had to go to their office for some lame-ass Christmas party. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up having to save a bunch of hostages from some crazy German terrorists.
Don’t get me wrong, I love killing terrorists of any kind, but it really hampered my Christmas vacation. In the end I won (naturally) but it cost me a really nice shirt that I had had for years.
Maybe next time these terrorists will learn not to fuck with Maximus McClane or any of my peoples.
Lord Maximus in History: D-Day
Here I am, giving the Airborne a pep talk right before they stormed Normandy on June 6, 1944. You might notice in the background my young Number 2, Montecore. It was on this fateful day that Montecore became a killer, and a loyal Lord Maximus follower. And something happened in France, I think.
Lord Maximus Q&A, Vol. 3
Today’s question comes from, well, anyone who has ever held me captive.
Lord Maximus, why do you only shit in porcelain?
Good question. There is no simple answer. I cultivated my refined taste for pure porcelain early in life. As a wee kitten, I began my lifelong affair with the slick white in something my size - an immaculately smooth sink. As I grew into the fierce warrior I am today, I graduated to full sized tubs. The silky white intoxicates me.
But really, at its core, my porcelain habits can be attributed to two key facts. One, I realized early on that I was far superior to those of my species, and I could not debase myself by doing something so repulsively ordinary as using a litter box. Two, and most importantly, it is a demonstration of my dominance over the human race. For every SBS I drop, there is a human that must clean it up. “Never again!” they shout. Yet, time and time again, I drop an SBS and time and time again, they clean it up, because they are simply beneath me.
This is why I shit in porcelain. Now if you will excuse me…
Pitiful humans, cower before me! Master of man and beast, I am Lord Maximus. Until Monday. Filthy peons.
I command you to tell me who drank all the beer! Who?! This offense shall henceforth be punished by death from a thousand SBS’s.
Parents, hold your children close, for I, Lord Maximus, am watching while they sleep. I am there when you least expect me. I hide in plain sight. I am everywhere at once. Just when you think you are alone, I am there in the dark. You cannot stop me. I am Lord Maximus. I see all.
Lord Maximus Q&A, Vol. 2
Today’s question comes from Shauna in Milwaukee. Shauna asks,
Lord Maximus, where does your name come from?
Well, Shauna, that’s an excellent question. You might think my mother had given me my name, but that would be incorrect. In fact, I had no mother - I was divined from God. I was simply created in His exact image. But, I had to have a name. And so, here is the story of how I came to be known as Lord Maximus.
No leader becomes great without adversity, and I have had no shortage of that. In my youth, I was a once great General, favored by the Emperor, but his son was jealous and had me imprisoned. My only way out was to fight to the death as a gladiator. I faced many foes, including Maximus Decimus Meridius, and triumphed. Now, you might say, Lord Maximus! This sounds like the plot of the 2000 film, “Gladiator,” and you would be correct. That low down crook Ridley Scott stole my story and turned it into a film.
But in reality, I did face Maximus Decimus Meridius, and I defeated him. I took his name so as to remember those that I have conquered, and he was disgraced, known now only as Fat Russell Crowe.
And that, my dear Shauna, is the true story of how I got my name.
After much debate, I decided that the locals would be better served by learning some humility. You must break a people down before they become proper servants to the cause.
DEFEAT! Kaepernick is my bitch.